drownedindreams | (no subject)

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Technically, it's her day off. That's why she wasn't in her labcoat or her scrubs, why she settled herself in the chair next to Jackson's bed early in the morning after she's dropped off the boys with the McCalls because... because they were lifesavers. Because she and Jax had been so lucky to find people who were truly compassionate and who cared.

Sunlight streamed through the windows in his room, and he was still asleep when she moved to pull his kutte out of her bag, and slowly kept working on sewing it back together. She had sinew and suturing needles, and skin was skin, as weird as it sounded. She hadn't told him that it had to be cut off of him, didn't tell him what bad shape it was in - but it could be repaired, and she was working on it.

He'd been in the hospital for three and a half days now, and things were... better. Not great, still, but better. They hadn't talked about the ring thing, again. They hadn't talked about her complete breakdown, and if Tara had her way.... they wouldn't talk about it. Her head was bent as she carefully worked on putting the left shoulder back together; luckily they'd missed his patches when they'd cut it apart. She didn't notice that he'd woken, instead staring down at the black leather with her lower lip between her teeth as she carefully sewed it back together.

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He'd known Tara for a long time. In theory, he'd known that she could sew. After all, she was a goddamn surgeon. But he'd never seen her do it, not on something that wasn't on human flesh.

"The hell happened to my kutte?" Jax asked. Carefully, he adjusted the angle of his bed so that he could sit up. It made his chest twinge in pain, but it wasn't the the debilitating pain he'd had on the first day. Now he just felt bruised and battered all over. And tired. He didn't think he'd slept this much in years.

"You got stabbed, and when it was a choice of cutting it off you, or tearing something open by trying to pull it off, they cut it off you." She moved to stand up, setting it aside for a second so she could lean in and kiss him, smiling against his lips. "Good morning, sleepyhead."

It was late, for him - but the last thing she'd ever fault him for here was resting. Tease? Yes. Fault? No. She picked up the kutte again - she'd already closed the two slits in the body of it where he'd been stabbed through, and since she'd done it from the back... there wasn't even much of a seam.

It was harder to fix where it'd been cut from the front edge to the arm hole because there were more layers, but that's why she was being careful and why it took more time. They'd used shears to do it, and she was matching up the pieces.

She didn't know how to work a sewing machine, and couldn't sew a pair of pants or anything like that. But give her leather and needles, and she knew what she was doing - and hell, it was easier than it could have been, because the leather didn't bleed or flinch. "You have an okay night last night? Or was it gross jello and crazy wandering people again?" The night before had been her there most of the time, but when she'd had to leave to get some sleep, there'd apparently been a man just wandering the halls talking to himself.

Darrow took all kinds, apparently.

"I mean, if you want to call it jello," he said, putting on a dubious expression. Even just watching her, he could tell that Tara was doing an expert job. His kutte must have been in pieces and caked in blood but now it looked cleaner than it had in a long time. Jax was so used to wearing the damn thing that it took seeing it cleaned and treated to think he should have taken better care of it.

It was good seeing Tara focused. She looked to have finally gotten some rest, maybe had some meals; it showed up in her skin and in her relative serenity. "That thing looks better than new...how'd you get it clean?" he asked, genuinely impressed. Shifting, Jax put a hand on her knee, glad for the contact but trying not to impede her work.

She'd gotten both. She's slept some - not as much as she would have if he was home, and not as well, but enough that she wasn't about to collapse, and she'd been eating enough. What he'd said a while ago - about needing to be better, about all he needed was for her to take care of herself, that's what rang true to her. She needed this, needed things to be okay with them, even if she was pretending a little. That's why she was here, she was in normal clothes, she let the sunshine in and herself smile and she let herself pretend that it was all okay because if she did that, for right then, it literally was okay.

"At least it's only the night snack that sucks, right?" She moves to sit on the edge of his bed - he wasn't centered, quite, any longer - so she had the room to perch, the kutte in her lap. "I took it, of all things, to a shoe repair guy. He knew how to clean the leather and the patches so they weren't stained." It wasn't pristine - he'd been wearing it for fifteen years, it wouldn't be pristine, but it did look better, with a newer lustre to the leather that was rare. She ran her fingers over it, and then they found his on her knee, and she squeezed his hand. "I should have it done because you're ready to be released. I thought... it would be good, for you to have it back." Even if the club wasn't here anymore, it was still a part of him.

Jax smiled at her and squeezed her hand back, pinning her thumb like they were teenagers goofing off on a field trip again. Sometimes, he really missed those days when they'd felt fucking invincible. For now, he'd settle for them making it through the next couple of days and saving the really important conversations for when he wasn't dosed up on some very powerful painkillers.

Earlier, when Tara had been getting coffee, he had apparently meant to ask the nurse for the red jello instead of green, only to mumble about painkillers.

"Leather is leather, right?" he asked.

"Apparently. I searched for leather care, and got the shoe guy." The guy had been appalled when she brought it to him - not because Jax didn't get it maintained, but because of the blood in it, and on it. It'd taken him a good day to fix it, but because of what'd happened he hadn't even let Tara pay him for it.

She set the kutte aside on his lap, and she screwed up her face as she moved to pin his thumb - imprompteau thumb war. She leaned in to kiss him, careful not to lean on him, or really... into him. She didn't want to make him hurt more, and she knew how hard this would be. It was weird to her - eerie, in fact, that she knew where she could touch, where she couldn't, if she could hug him or not, and when she'd be able to.

This had happened, before. The last time, it'd probably taken longer to heal than it should have since he was in prison, but this had happened, before. He'd been shivved when he was in, although he hadn't had the additional being-hit-by-an-SUV part to go along with it.

"Has the boredom eaten you alive yet? I brought some things that might help." Anything to keep him still and healing.

"Well, I haven't started playing darts with pencils at the ceiling...but shit I'm getting there." He laughed, worming his thumb out to try and pin hers back. It was so stupid and juvenile what they were doing, but he didn't much care. It just made him smile.

"Kinda funny. Remember the first night? You asked me to prove I was telling the truth and you believed me because I didn't have prison scars. Made me show the left side and now I got shanked on the right instead." He exhaled heavily, annoyed that even the simple gesture could awaken a twinge in his side.

He shifted his hand, running his thumb over her knuckles when it was clear he was going to lose the thumb war. "You okay? I mean...You had to live through this shit once already."

It made her smile, too - even though she didn't even look at her hand as she tried to both pin him and thwart him. "I know, babe. I remember." She paused, and she bit her lower lip - she'd been thinking to bring it up, but she hadn't yet. "It's almost the exact same injury," she said, her voice a little weird, but she shook her head slightly. It wasn't almost - except for the car.

"I'm...." She took his kutte and moved it - to his other side, and she moved closer to him because she needed that, she needed to be as close as she could be without leaning on him, without hurting him. "I'm... it's hard." She took his hand, and pressed her lips to his fingers, her eyes flicking up to his. "It's the same, except the SUV, Jax. So... So I guess I know what not to do, to hurt you, but-" She looked worried, and she took a deep breath. "I have this rule, and it's a stupid rule, but I shouldn't see what the insides of the people I love look like. Guess it's a Teller thing, to break the rule." She reaches out to touch his cheek, her thumb stroking his cheek, rough on his beard.

She's better than she was before, not falling apart and buckling even though it was still a strained thing. Even though she was still under more stress than she'd ever told him about.

"You're being strong," he replied, pulling her hand to his lips again. "I know I been saying that so much today..." And that he'd put her through so much more. But he meant it, every word and every time.

"When all this is over, we'll do something fun. Something simple. Have a barbecue, play fetch with the dog." He gave her a smile again. Maybe, when things were calmer, he'd bring up the velvet box that sat in the drawer next to him.

"I'm did my job." That's what she said the last time, and she says it again, seeming sort of uncomfortable with him saying she's strong - she feels anything but.

She can't believe it'd only been three months, not even three months, and that's what jumps out of her mouth.

"I haven't even been here that long. Isn't that weird?" That all of this had happened over February, March, and half of April. She's sitting there as he kisses her knuckles, and she's wondering - she's wondering if she should tell him that she might be pregnant. She's wondering if she should tell him that the last time she told him that, it was a lie.

Her burdens are heavy, but he looks happy, and so she smiles. "If you don't rest, then Macha's going to be giant by the time you see her again." She'd guilt trip him if she has too, but she can't pull him down. Not now, when he's smiling.

"We always liked to do things full throttle," Jax said, giving her a smile. They'd never been very good at sitting and doing nothing, even when that kind of peace offered itself to them. When things got static, that was when they decided to take the Harley up against the edge of a canyon, riding and shouting like a pair of idiots.

He squeezed her hand and leaned back, looking at her. "I'm going to do the best I can. I'll be good, promise."

While she squeezed his hand back, her mouth sort of tipped up in a half-smile. "I know you will. I know." Sighing softly, her eyes searched his face like she was looking for something before Tara finally spoke.

"I was thinking - when you're out, we can start packing up stuff, and really start looking for a house. I want...." She tried to figure out how to phrase it. "There's good people here. They dropped everything when they heard you were in the hospital, they've done nothing but help me - and I'd like to have what we did, back in Charming. Whatever... issues... I have with your mother, her house was where I found what a family really was. I want that, for Thomas and Abel, and for us."

Jax nodded. Those "family meals" were some of the best things he remembered, just everyone crowded together while people cooked and ate and passed food back and forth. It was memories like those that kept him going back to the arms of the Club, even when he wanted to slit Clay's throat at breakfast that morning.

"Some place with a backyard. Maybe we get a grill and shit." He could see it already. Kate and Newt, the McCalls, John and Mary and Evie, Sawyer and little Cleo. All of them running around in circles, laughing as the parents slowly got buzzed over an evening of drinks and good food.

It was a dream, for now, but it was a dream worth trying to make true.

"I want them to know that too. Grow up with that kind of thing."

"A backyard and a giant dining room and guest rooms and a garage," she says with a nod, smiling at him. She'd been sort of shy to bring it up, but now that they were talking about it - she wanted this. She wanted to build castles in the sky, as stupid as it sounded.

"I think we need it, too. Makes it so we're grounded." Tara leans forward and touches his cheek, her eyes searching his as he smiles as her. He looks like shit - he's got bruising on him, on his face, his entire side is purple and swollen - she knows it, but he is the best man she's ever seen. "Thank you." She breathed the words, and she exhaled, the tension sort of sliding out of her shoulders in that moment.

Maybe she could tell him. Not now, but it was the first time she'd ever even thought about that possibility.

"Swing set, sprinklers, the whole nine yards?" The boys were already looking ready to climb and tumble and conquer every two foot tall mountain that they could find. Pushing them on the swings, especially after a week like this, would be a fucking delight.

Already, he was walking through the empty rooms of a new house as sunlight streamed into space. All of it open and full of potential.

"That's something to look forward to, don't you think?"

"The guys built the boys a swingset," remembering it Tara's lips quirked into a smile. "Abel adores swings. So yeah. Swing set. Sprinklers, the whole nine." She can't stop touching him - his cheek, his hands, skimming her thumb over his lips. It's like every touch reassures her he's alive.

"I think it's absolutely something to look forwards to. A big garage so you'll have room to work on stuff, too." Imagination was big for both of them - for her, she was thinking something with three or four bedrooms and an office. It would be a big house, but thinking about it....

Maybe they really could have a real, honest-to-god family. Maybe.... maybe this could be the new place. Maybe it would be a place to grow.

"God that sounds great," Jax said. He closed his eyes to imagine it, losing himself in Tara's gentle little touches. In his daydreams, there was an unknown little girl chasing after Abel and Thomas. Their little sister, he hoped, with Tara and Jax not far behind them as they herded their kids. It was all so simple but, he hoped, good.

"All I ever wanted for me'n the family, deep down."

"We'll make it happen, baby. This... this is a minor setback." She takes his hand and presses a kiss to his knuckles. "You'll be out in a couple of days, and you'll take it easy and watch me pack stuff up," she said with a teasing smile.

"Let me do all the carrying and lifting for once? When you're released, I'm going to take some time off work. I don't want you overdoing it, okay?"

"I'll rely on you the same as you can rely on me," Jax promised. He hoped he wouldn't be banned from any lifting, not with two precocious sons and an equally precocious puppy on their heels.

"Been thinking, when I can walk, I'll bring the boys in here. Haven't seen 'em in a few days." Tara, his boys. Those were the things he needed the most if they wanted him to heal properly.

He'd be banned from lifting for a while - he'd been able to hold Thomas when he'd been born, but that would be about the limit for a while. Puppy, yes.

Twenty pounds of kid, though? That was a little different. "I can bring them up - I was actually thinking that it might be good, tomorrow." She held his hand, her fingers skimming the back of the bandages from where he'd scraped the hell out of it. It felt good, to feel his hand in both of hers. She hadn't put the bandage back on after his surgery - she had no idea where she'd put it when she scrubbed in, and she didn't bother to get another one, yet.

"They miss you. Both of them were asking about you." Thomas made her cry last night; he'd hugged her, and told her that Daddy was gone, and she wondered, then, how much he'd picked up back home... and she hoped he would forget.

"Do you think you might be up for it? If it's too soon, then maybe we can try in a couple of days."

"Tell them their stupid daddy fell down and bumped his head," Jax said. "And that he misses them and loves them very much. Give 'em a kiss for me, yeah?"

He looked down at her hand, thinking that he hadn't seen the scar properly in a long time, but it no longer scared him. Tara was still a surgeon, even with it.

"Tomorrow is already too long. I want to at least say hi to them."

She rolled her eyes. "I told them that Daddy was sleeping upstairs from daycare, and that you were very, very tired, but that you would wake up soon and you were so excited to see them. And that you loved them." She nodded when he asked about the kiss.

"I won't tell them you're stupid, because you're not. This... this isn't on you, Jax. What happened." Even though it sort of was. Even though she wondered if it happened because of that mess from before - because a coincidence wasn't just a coincidence.

"I can bring them up tomorrow. Okay? I'll come in early for my shift, and I'll bring them with me, so they can see you." She smiles, trying to be encouraging the best she can.

Jax nodded as he smiled; it was strangely reassuring, knowing that the boys were only a few floors away and once he had recovered it would be a short trip downstairs to see his boys again. They needed to know that he was okay and that he was coming back to them.

"I'd really like that. Just want them to know I'm doing okay. More or less."

Nodding, Tara reached to touch him again, her thumb running over his lower lip. "I was thinking...." She paused, her eyes searching his. "I was thinking," she said quietly, "That you might have been right, when you... talked about what we could do, here."

She seems hesitant as she speaks, like she's on the fence still and is feeling it out.

"When we were in the kitchen, a while ago. It... sort of changes how big of a house to look for."

Letting that sit right there - he's a lot less drugged than he had been, and she's got no idea why she brought this up now... but if he didn't get it, that meant he was probably too high to really... think about it. Not that she wants to have a super formal discussion, it just came up for... reasons.

Reasons that had her standing outside of the drugstore this morning and eventually just coming here to visit him instead of going inside.

"So that present of mine that's sitting in the drawer...?"

It put a blossom of happiness in him, seeing Tara share his enthusiasm and taking a chance at dreaming for herself. Smiling, he kissed the pad of her thum and just listened for a moment, hoping that she was envisioning the same happy life he was.

"But those plans and houses and all that. That's something we can talk about?" He was hesitant to outright say the word baby, uncertain of what would send Tara running.

There was a shy smile on her face - she'd gotten caught up in this as much as he had. Her own determination that she wasn't going to ruin his happiness had bolstered her own, and Tara scooted forward just a little more before leaning in to kiss him as her answer.

It was the first time since he'd been in here that she really kissed him, that wasn't just a buss on the lips the way you'd kiss a friend or a relative. Her fingers slipped back into his hair, the scar rough on his beard even though she was careful not to lean into him.

She pulled back only a fraction, that smile still on her lips. "Yeah, the present of yours in the drawer," she breathed softly. "You want to do it now, or you want to wait until we're not in here?" She's smiling widely, and she feels more connected to him in that moment than she has in years.

Tara doesn't think about it, but the way she feels now - it hasn't been like this, with the joy and the feeling that this is right - since they'd been in that park in Oregon a lifetime ago. This moment - this moment, even if it was transitory and wouldn't last because there is still so much damage to be healed...

It was what gave her hope that they could both maybe be whole again.

It was a good kiss, the kind that spread warmth through him the same it did when he stepped into a ray of sunlight. Jax leaned up and pressed a kiss back against her, just enjoying the slow and lingering contact.

"I'll let you decide. It's your present, after all." Although if she said yes, Jax was pretty sure it'd really be more of a present for him. "Just know...I'll be ready to ask it. Always wanted to. Always will."

He wanted it to be all the good parts they'd carried and a do over for all the bad that Tara had had to experience on her own.

She couldn't stop smiling at him, and her hand found his, their fingers twining together without thought. Right now all her other concerns fell away. They were concerns that would break a person, that would slowly drive them crazy, but they didn't matter right now. Right now... Jax was the center of her world the way he'd been from when he was sixteen and until she was put into the back of that squad car, when she'd realised they were both lost and the only ones who had hope left were Abel and Thomas.

That hope.... she had that hope now for them, for Jax and for herself, and she felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off of her heart for these precious minutes. "I think," she said after a second, after biting her lip while she thought for a moment, "that I would rather it was while you weren't here, so we can do it right. Because there is no way we're sleeping together in this bed." She grins, and it's clear that she's joking about them hooking up was directly related to him proposing, and also was enough for sway her as to where he'd ask. ".... But... if I have any say in it, I want this to only be once, baby, and I want it to be how you want it. You know what I'll say, and I know you had plans." She needs him to decide because everything he does with every passing day helps cement him in her mind as Jax, and the man she had previously married worked on becoming a distant nightmare that this man would never be. "Is that okay?"

She took his hand in hers and kissed his fingers as her eyes searched his for some hint on what he wanted.

A slow grin spread across his face. Even though he'd been mostly sure Tara was going to say yes, this preemptive conversation made his heart light. They were already engaged, practically, aside from the official say of it. Knowing that it would be good, done properly, kept Jax from using the words now so he could save it for the perfect moment.

For now, he could just revel in how happy Tara was. It was the first time in months that she didn't look so damn burdened. Hell, Jax thought she seemed practically giddy and it was beautiful the way she teased and joked. Just as he became her reality, she became less the hunted woman that he'd seen in his apartment that night. This was the Tara he'd missed; vibrant and hopeful, even in the darkest days.

"Still got those steaks in the freezer, right?" Jax asked. "When I'm back on my feet, we'll do it proper. Celebrate with a good dinner, kiss our boys. Just...nice."

Tara smiled wider, and shifted closer and kissed him again, a gentle hand on his shoulder to steady herself. "Because they are the totally the most important thing with this, yes, your steaks are fine." She grinned, and shook her head as she leaned back. "I'm so glad you're okay," she said the words softly, her fingers tightening on his from where their fingers did tangle together.

"And now, I guess it's just a race between you and all the other handsome, daring men who I've sewn back together. Watch out, mister, you'e got some competition." She is, of course, kidding - but that doesn't mean that she shouldn't kid. They're not talking about anything bad right now, and she doesn't really think there's anything that could bring her down, right now.

"Hey, I got them special for that night. No reason to let them go to waste, right?" It strained his stomach to laugh, but he couldn't help himself. Mixed with the growing joy of the moment, Jax almost welcomed the pain if only because it was a reminder of being alive, giving him joy.

"Hey now!" Jax untangled their hands so he could point a finger at her sternly. "If you leave me for Newt, I don't know what I'll do!"

The bubbles of laughter that came from somewhere were bright, and made it hard for her to speak until she got it under control. "Then you better hurry your ass up and get better. I'm not the one holding this up," she said with a grin, and she shook her head. "I'm lonely! What's a woman to do? Besides Newt, I mean. He's not really my type, if I'm going to be super honest."

She thought - only for a second, she thought about bringing up the fact that she'd finally met Raleigh, but the innuendo there was weird enough that she let it go, knowing she'd tell him another time. "But if it's him or me being an unmarried spinster, well.... I'm just saying that I've got to keep my options open, unless there was a cunning hero who might have a Harley who's just waiting to sweep me off my feet."

"Hey now. Don't think Kate or I will stand for that!" Jax's laughter was a little more strained, but he looked at her with a wide grin, so caught up in Tara and the joy on her face. "Well you know me, babe," he said, reaching up to clasp her hand again.

"I'm all about the fairytale. Sweeping you off your feet and carrying you away on the Harley included."

She really should have expected it sooner. She should have expected him to say something that he'd already said to her, and it was the reminder - both a good and bad reminder, that he was the same man. He was the same man that'd only changed because of his circumstances.

She sobered just a little, still smiling. Her fingers twined tight with his, and she took his hand and pressed a kiss to the back of it. "Yeah, well. We're not going to talk about the things that Prince Charmings do for their ladies." She leaned forward, and kissed him then, her voice low. "I love you. And I've been swept since I was fifteen. It's never going to change, I will always love you."

She smiled, and really... there was nowhere she'd rather be than with him in that hospital room, letting all her worries pass her by, even if it was just for a little while.

He'd come to love those golden moments, probably because they were so fleeting. They were like treasures he had to fix into his memory while he tried to polish other moments until everything gleamed.

"Well I never said I was Prince Charming. I'm just Jax and I'm all yours." Tara didn't need an ideal, he was slowly learning, nor could he ever be one. He needed to be Jax, the best version of himself possible.

"But I'll try to keep sweeping you away."

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