drownedindreams | the crowd is waiting for the final kiss, the one that allows them to sleep well

the crowd is waiting for the final kiss, the one that allows them to sleep well

She was able to get in to see him because she was a surgeon. Jax was in the ICU; he'd experienced massive blood loss, trauma - his O2 levels had been shot, but now he was in stable condition and they were waiting for him to wake up from the sedation from post surgery. He'd woken up briefly in the recovery room, but he'd been moved to the ICU and even though visitor's hours were over, she'd stay. She'd just stay, because she couldn't not stay.

He had a pain pump, and his assets - his assets, which included his kutte that had to be peeled off his back - they'd been gathered up by the nurses after the fact, and put into bags that sat in the drawer by the bed. She sat by his bed, holding his hand. She'd never put back on her bandage after his surgery, and she was still in scrubs; she'd been awake twenty two hours at this point, but she wouldn't sleep, she'd be here. She'd be here, for him, until he woke up. Her free hand that wasn't holding his scrubbed at her cheeks as she pulled in a breath, and she exhaled slowly, just watching his chest rise and fall.

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Sometimes he felt like he was rising up out of sleep only to realize that it was so much more beneficial to fall back down. Not permanently, some voice in the back of his head promised, just until he felt better. Stronger. So he drifted in and out, squeezed the hand that was near his.

Today his eyes blinked open and he tried to close them again, only to be run over with pain. Confronted with the fact that he felt like shit, Jax opened his eyes fully and looked at Tara.

"I'm in trouble, huh?"

Squeezing her hand was a good sign. That's what Tara told herself when he didn't wake up for the longest time, when he would squeeze her hand but he'd stay asleep. Bending forward, she pressed her lips to scraped and bandaged knuckles, and pressed her forehead to the back of his hand before she moved to sit upright again.

He opened his eyes and her face twisted, and she shook her head, trying not to cry when she found words. "No, baby. No, you're not in trouble." She reached out with her free hand, and very gently touched his cheek, featherlight, her fingers avoiding the bruises. "You're safe. You're in the hospital." She didn't know how much he'd forgotten.

"Yeah, figured that part out," Jax said, tapping his fingers against his temple. "You've got a smart guy, you know."

Vaguely, his other hand searched for the buttons he knew would be there, hoping he could help himself sit up. Turning his head to look for it suddenly demanded more effort than he was capable of expending.

"You all right?"

"Yeah," she breathed, and she moved the chair closer. Her hand still held his as her brows furrowed together. "Yeah, I know you're smart, I just didn't know what you remembered." She looked like hell, but at his question she lied straight to his face. "I'm okay. Don't worry about me, Jax, okay? The boys are okay, too." She knew they were being taken care of, and for that she was profoundly grateful.

Okay was not a word she really should have used to describe herself, but she'd lie. She'd lie a million times if it meant he didn't worry, right now. "How much pain are you in? There's a pump, it'll give you more morphine."

He paused, looking up at Tara and just listening. Her voice rolled over him as he tried to take a proper catalog of his aches and pains. None of it was unbearable but the low level ache permeated through him, threatening to spike up if he made any sudden moves.

"Feels like I got stabbed and then hit by a car," he decided, trying to joke. "Not great, but I'm okay. They gonna let me sit up?"

She was babbling - she'd said okay three times in as many sentences, and she nodded. "Yeah, you can sit up." The world swam when she stood up - she realised then that she'd not eaten in almost thirteen hours. She took a deep breath, and flashed a smile even if it was totally fake as she moved to adjust his bed so he could sit up a little more than he was - enough so that he could see around him, but not so much that he was in any danger at all of tipping forward.

"Is that better?" She stared down at him and tried not to cry, sniffling once before she bent and pressed a soft kiss to the top of his head. "I love you," she murmured against his hair, before she pulled back and moved to sit back in the chair that'd been turned so she'd be facing him.

As his body had warned him, the slow motion released no spots of pain in his body that made him grimace, but it all felt bearable. Bless morphine.

"I love you too babe. I didn't mean to scare you."

"You didn't scare me," she lies to him about that, too, her brows furrowing. "I'm just so glad you're alright," she whispered, and she stares at him for a long moment - she'd been terrified; terrified that her hands would shake and she'd make a mistake, that she'd cut the wrong thing, that the knife would slip.

She wasn't going to tell him that she operated on him. Not now. Not when she felt like she was going to fly apart into a million pieces, and she had to be here for him. "You'll be fine. Don't worry."

"Liar," he said gently. She didn't have to carry the whole world and Jax wished he could tell her that but that was a conversation for a day when he wasn't getting a morphine drip.

"I know. I've got a hot doctor taking care of me." Carefully, he reached out and squeezed her hand. "Think they'll let you wheel in a spare bed and sleep in here with me?"

Her chin wobbled, and she looked away for only a moment. She just needed that second, so that she wouldn't start crying. "Yeah," she said with a low laugh, and it's not genuine, none of it, but she's trying. She holds his hand, moving so it's closer to him. "I dunno about the bed thing - I think it's probably uncomfortable chair that sort of turns into a bed, sort of - but I'll figure it out." She reaches to touch his cheek again, like she's reassuring herself that he's there - and he's alive.

It's almost like it was before, she wants to say, and she's ignoring something else.

She's ignoring the terror-ridden conversation she'd had with Katie; that she'd thrown up twice in three days, and that this could be so much more like when he'd been in County than she'd ever wanted. She was ignoring it. God she was ignoring it, and it made her hands shake to think about it, so she was glad he was holding one, the other pressed in her lap.

"You look like you feel as shitty as I do." Shitty in different ways, maybe, but he knew that Tara had probably not been sleeping. If it was her, he wouldn't have been. He would have been a giant fucking wreck to be perfectly honest.

"Man. I was planning to make you dinner. Real dinner. Had steaks and everything in the fridge. Sorry."

"I'm okay," she said roughly, again, and it's that he's said it more than once, every time she has to reassure him... She's slipping. She's holding his hand, and a tear rolls down her cheek, but she takes a deep breath, holding it as she scrubs at her cheek - trying to act like she's just brushing something away. "What, no eggs? How'd I survive without eggs?" She laughed quietly, the sound strained, and she shook her head once, taking a deep breath.

"They'll still be there, when you get out of the hospital. We'll do it then. Til then, I'm guessing you're just stuck with hospital food."

"Babe..." Carefully, he lifted a hand to cup her cheek, smiling at her as best as he could. Tara was being so brave and he felt like shit about it. It was impossible not to see the way the last couple of days had worn Tara down, exhausted her completely.

"I was planning to surprise you. Do something nice. Sorry it didn't work out."

She'd told him about the kid - not about her, not about the shit she was struggling with, but the kid, the Locos Lobos kid who'd been shot. She'd talked to him when she'd come home late with no phone, with no explanation - she'd run into him while he'd been walking Macha, and his Tara? had been the only reason she'd even noticed him.

Yesterday was better, but today... "I'm okay," she said again, and she closed her eyes as she tipped her cheek to his hand, feeling the rough bandages against her skin. "It's okay. I promise, we'll do it when you're out of the hospital, alright?" She turned her cheek so she could press a kiss to the palm of his hand. "There's a box, on the bed with a button. If you start to hurt more, push the button, okay? It'll make you feel better."

"I'd gotten you a present, too," he mumbled, frowning at himself. "Really wanted to do something good for you."

He wished he could tell Tara that it was okay not to be strong. She could breathe and let herself freak out and be scared or hurt. Her strength boosted him up but he could see the toll it was taking on her.

"The boys at daycare or they got a sitter?"

What he said didn't make sense to her. They'd never been the sort of couple who got one another presents; sure, they'd do little things like making dinner, but they didn't even really do things for Valentine's Day. Christmas had always been a family thing, but even then - they weren't spontaneous present people.

"You got me a present?" She tipped her head to the side, her brows furrowed with confusion. "You didn't need to do that, sweetheart, but I'm sure we can just do it when you're out of the hospital. Okay? All you have to worry about now is resting. That's all the good thing that you need to do for me." She smiled a little, even though she felt like she was falling back into that black hole that appeared inside of her, sometimes.

"It's three in the morning, Jax. They're with the McCalls - I... just sort of called them. Don't worry."

Edited 2014-04-18 22:33 (UTC)

"Yeah, something special." Jax turned and looked over at the box with his clothes, hoping that the little velvet box was in there...and that it hadn't gotten blood on it.

"I had a ring for you. Wanted to do things right by you...That's why I wanted tonight to be special."

It took a little while for her brain not to just draw a long blank.

Tara stared at him like she'd seen a ghost, her lips slightly parted, until the words sort of sank in. She tried to find words, but her breath caught, her hands shaking so badly that even when she pressed them to her mouth to try and muffle the strangled sobs it didn't steady them.

For all that it seemed like she'd been pushed to tears a lot over the past four months, it wasn't like this. The broken, raw sobs were oddly quiet for what they were, possibly because she'd pulled completely into herself. Her shoulders were hunched, her head down, everything trying to hide this breakdown because she knew - she knew if he knew, if she'd been honest, if she wasn't holding herself in the safest place she could...

He wouldn't want this. He would hate her. She knew that, she knew that she'd put herself in this situation-- but her reaction was fueled by the stress and the strain. The exhaustion. It was the fact that he'd been so close to dying, she knew it because his blood had been on her hands. There were no words, she just sat there and cried, pulled away from him as much as she could.

"Oh shit..." Even half gone on morphine and hurting like hell, Jax knew those weren't happy tears. This was Tara sailing past the tipping point because of what he'd said. He forgot the pain in his own body as he stared at her, wished he could stand up and get out of the bed and hold her. Comfort her.

He raised a hand only partway, unable to lift it past a certain point. Even if he could, Tara had moved far beyond his reach and it hurt him in a way that had nothing to do with his injuries.

"I should've waited...Babe. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."

What had he done?

His words got through to her faster than her own thoughts had, she closed her eyes tightly, and ran her shaking hands up through her hair, and tried to recover even though it wasn't working well. Finally looking up, she breathed out with a shakey breath. She was trying to stay even, but her voice cracked when she spoke.

"Sorry. It's be- been a long... day." She was still further away than he could touch, but she was trying, her hands tightly fisted together so he couldn't see the way she was shaking. Jesus christ. "Not the reaction you were looking for, I'm just- I'm okay, I'm sorry." She nodded, then. "Yeah. Yeah, we can- I mean- Yes." Her eyes flicked to his as she nodded again. It made sense. It made sense, and didn't change anything. The last time, it'd been just before everything had come tumbling down. Now.... now it seemed the same, but it made sense.

That was his fault too, really. Tara's exhaustion and sadness had come about from his own accident.

"I can always take it back after this. Never gotta talk about it again, you don't want to," he said. It was painful to suggest but maybe he wasn't going to be the man she married and maybe there were parts of her that were so very far gone that she was unrecognizable to him.

"It's your choice."

If anything, what he said then made it worse.

It made it so much worse.

"You'd-" Her brows furrowed together in confusion, and she shook her head. "I- But-" She shook her head; it was clear from her body language that what he'd said... it had been the absolutely wrong thing, and if nothing else it got the message across that it was the last thing she wanted him to do.

"Can-" She breathed the word, trying to pull herself together. "I'm sorry. No, please, don't- don't take it back-" And she'd started to cry again, this time different because it was nearly silent, shaking her head as she sat in that chair. "I'm sorry, Jackson. I should- I know I should be able to be okay. Please, don't take it back. This- I'll fix... it." And what she meant by that - what she meant was that she'd fix herself, somehow.

"You're tired." There wasn't a question in his tone. How could he have been this fuckin' dumb? Just wake up after being stabbed and say he wanted to proposed, knowing how wrecked Tara looked. The fuck had that morphine done to his head?

"I should've waited to say." He extended a hand again, but she was still out of his reach. Maybe she always had been, in a way.

"We've had a rough day."

"It's okay." She'd said that so many times, but she moved as she said it, she moved and it didn't matter that the hospital bed wasn't big enough for her to fully sit properly on the side of it. She did anyway. She faced him, the line of her thigh pressed against his, and she was so close that she could lean in and kiss him if she wanted too.

She didn't yet, because her hand rest on the side of his neck. "It's okay, Jax. I have loved you - and I have wanted to marry you, since I was sixteen. That hasn't ever changed." Her eyes were puffy, and she took a deep breath.

"I was the surgeon on site when you came in."

The words were said so quietly, and he could see it in her eyes, how badly it'd shaken her up. "Eventually, they got the on-call in here, but... I... I could have-" she tightened her jaw. "And you were coming home with a ring." She had taken his hand, and was holding it with both of hers.

"I love you so much. I would move mountains for you if I could, I would do anything-" She bent her head, and pressed a kiss to his bandaged knuckles. "I'm trying to make this better. What is wrong with me, better. You are such a good man, and you're a good father, and a good partner-" Tara cleared her throat. "Please.... don't take it back, unless you don't want this. If you don't, then.... then that's okay." She still wore the first ring around her neck on a chain, she didn't take them off. "I know I'm not okay, Jax. But I'm trying."

It scared her; it scared her because it made it harder, if he found out. If he found out everything she'd done, everything that had happened.... but that didn't make her not love him. Jax was her blind spot, he always had been. He was her exception.

Jax groaned, trying to put himself in Tara's shoes. He didn't think he would have had that kind of courage. "My brave girl," he said, reaching up now that he could touch her face. "No wonder you look so damn worn."

What would he have to do, Jax wondered, to convince her to get some sleep.

"I promise I'll be here when you wake up. Be a good boy and stay still and try to heal," he continued, keeping his voice low and gentle. "If you promise me you'll get some rest."

It took more effort than it ever had before, drawing her hand to his lips to kiss the fingers, but he made it slowly.

"Go to bed."

"I was afraid," she breathed the words when his hand touched her cheek, and she looked away, looked down at her hands. "I was afraid my hand would slip, and-" She stopped, and turned to press a kiss to the palm of his hand before she listened to his promises. "There's- There's crash rooms on every floor, I could grab a couple hours but still be close."

She knew she was hitting the bottom of the barrel, and the strain is cracking whatever facade she's built. "I don't want to leave you." It's a quiet admission, and she hesitated only for a second before she slipped her hand from his. She instead leaned forward - careful not to touch him, because she knows how this works. She knows, from before, how things will hurt him.

She kissed him slowly before pulling back. Her forehead touched his for a second before she sat back, still on the edge of the bed.

"But it didn't," Jax pointed out, gesturing vaguely at himself. He'd endured his share of injuries, knew that the pain would eventually fade in the hospital's care. "You're amazing, babe." He believed it with total conviction, certain that Tara would have done whatever it took to keep him alive and that he would have done whatever it took to stay alive himself.

"You do whatever you need," he said, sneaking another kiss before she moved away. "You've been strong today. So strong. It's time to get some rest."

Those things - him saying she's amazing, him saying that it didn't didn't take away her fear, didn't take away the heavy specter of possible problems that weighed heavy on her heart.

She nodded, though, when he said it was time for rest, because she couldn't do this again. Couldn't do it, anymore. She felt like she was losing everything, even though she wasn't. Even though he was alive.

"I just did my job, Jax." She said it quietly, and then she squeezed his hand, pushing herself to her feet - and she swayed, actually needing to catch herself on the railing. "I... I'm going to get some sleep - I've got my phone on me, you can use the hospital phone to call me, if you need anything. Okay?" She moved to kiss him one last time, murmuring softly, "I love you."

Jax lingered in that kiss, tilting his head up and squeezing her hands in hopes of prolonging it for a few moments more.

"You take care of yourself. That's what I need. I love you too."

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the crowd is waiting for the final kiss, the one that allows them to sleep well

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