drownedindreams | the crowd is waiting for the final kiss, the one that allows them to sleep well

She was able to get in to see him because she was a surgeon. Jax was in the ICU; he'd experienced massive blood loss, trauma - his O2 levels had been shot, but now he was in stable condition and they were waiting for him to wake up from the sedation from post surgery. He'd woken up briefly in the recovery room, but he'd been moved to the ICU and even though visitor's hours were over, she'd stay. She'd just stay, because she couldn't not stay.

He had a pain pump, and his assets - his assets, which included his kutte that had to be peeled off his back - they'd been gathered up by the nurses after the fact, and put into bags that sat in the drawer by the bed. She sat by his bed, holding his hand. She'd never put back on her bandage after his surgery, and she was still in scrubs; she'd been awake twenty two hours at this point, but she wouldn't sleep, she'd be here. She'd be here, for him, until he woke up. Her free hand that wasn't holding his scrubbed at her cheeks as she pulled in a breath, and she exhaled slowly, just watching his chest rise and fall.

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"It's okay." She'd said that so many times, but she moved as she said it, she moved and it didn't matter that the hospital bed wasn't big enough for her to fully sit properly on the side of it. She did anyway. She faced him, the line of her thigh pressed against his, and she was so close that she could lean in and kiss him if she wanted too.

She didn't yet, because her hand rest on the side of his neck. "It's okay, Jax. I have loved you - and I have wanted to marry you, since I was sixteen. That hasn't ever changed." Her eyes were puffy, and she took a deep breath.

"I was the surgeon on site when you came in."

The words were said so quietly, and he could see it in her eyes, how badly it'd shaken her up. "Eventually, they got the on-call in here, but... I... I could have-" she tightened her jaw. "And you were coming home with a ring." She had taken his hand, and was holding it with both of hers.

"I love you so much. I would move mountains for you if I could, I would do anything-" She bent her head, and pressed a kiss to his bandaged knuckles. "I'm trying to make this better. What is wrong with me, better. You are such a good man, and you're a good father, and a good partner-" Tara cleared her throat. "Please.... don't take it back, unless you don't want this. If you don't, then.... then that's okay." She still wore the first ring around her neck on a chain, she didn't take them off. "I know I'm not okay, Jax. But I'm trying."

It scared her; it scared her because it made it harder, if he found out. If he found out everything she'd done, everything that had happened.... but that didn't make her not love him. Jax was her blind spot, he always had been. He was her exception.

Jax groaned, trying to put himself in Tara's shoes. He didn't think he would have had that kind of courage. "My brave girl," he said, reaching up now that he could touch her face. "No wonder you look so damn worn."

What would he have to do, Jax wondered, to convince her to get some sleep.

"I promise I'll be here when you wake up. Be a good boy and stay still and try to heal," he continued, keeping his voice low and gentle. "If you promise me you'll get some rest."

It took more effort than it ever had before, drawing her hand to his lips to kiss the fingers, but he made it slowly.

"Go to bed."

"I was afraid," she breathed the words when his hand touched her cheek, and she looked away, looked down at her hands. "I was afraid my hand would slip, and-" She stopped, and turned to press a kiss to the palm of his hand before she listened to his promises. "There's- There's crash rooms on every floor, I could grab a couple hours but still be close."

She knew she was hitting the bottom of the barrel, and the strain is cracking whatever facade she's built. "I don't want to leave you." It's a quiet admission, and she hesitated only for a second before she slipped her hand from his. She instead leaned forward - careful not to touch him, because she knows how this works. She knows, from before, how things will hurt him.

She kissed him slowly before pulling back. Her forehead touched his for a second before she sat back, still on the edge of the bed.

"But it didn't," Jax pointed out, gesturing vaguely at himself. He'd endured his share of injuries, knew that the pain would eventually fade in the hospital's care. "You're amazing, babe." He believed it with total conviction, certain that Tara would have done whatever it took to keep him alive and that he would have done whatever it took to stay alive himself.

"You do whatever you need," he said, sneaking another kiss before she moved away. "You've been strong today. So strong. It's time to get some rest."

Those things - him saying she's amazing, him saying that it didn't didn't take away her fear, didn't take away the heavy specter of possible problems that weighed heavy on her heart.

She nodded, though, when he said it was time for rest, because she couldn't do this again. Couldn't do it, anymore. She felt like she was losing everything, even though she wasn't. Even though he was alive.

"I just did my job, Jax." She said it quietly, and then she squeezed his hand, pushing herself to her feet - and she swayed, actually needing to catch herself on the railing. "I... I'm going to get some sleep - I've got my phone on me, you can use the hospital phone to call me, if you need anything. Okay?" She moved to kiss him one last time, murmuring softly, "I love you."

Jax lingered in that kiss, tilting his head up and squeezing her hands in hopes of prolonging it for a few moments more.

"You take care of yourself. That's what I need. I love you too."

the crowd is waiting for the final kiss, the one that allows them to sleep well

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