Tara Knowles (
drownedindreams) wrote2014-02-21 11:41 pm
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a mother's hands are her comforts
Her hair was still too short.
Jax was head-down in writing in his journal and it reminded Tara of JT's 'manifesto' that he'd left his son. That that's what started all of this, that and the letters. Until they'd seen those pieces of Jax's father reaching out from the past, there had been no questions or doubt.
Now her hair was a foot shorter than it should have been. It was all connected in a weird way, and she found herself staring in the bedroom mirror. She combed out her wet hair with her fingers, the towel wrapped around her as she dripped into the beige carpet all apartments seemed to have. She looked... tired, she felt. Tara didn't know when she'd become the woman in the mirror, but she didn't really like it. "I'm going to keep growing my hair out," she said quietly, without so much as a Hey to get his attention.
"D'you think that'd be good?" She eyed it for another second, before she looked at him over her shoulder even as she moved to pull clean clothes out of the dresser.
Jax was head-down in writing in his journal and it reminded Tara of JT's 'manifesto' that he'd left his son. That that's what started all of this, that and the letters. Until they'd seen those pieces of Jax's father reaching out from the past, there had been no questions or doubt.
Now her hair was a foot shorter than it should have been. It was all connected in a weird way, and she found herself staring in the bedroom mirror. She combed out her wet hair with her fingers, the towel wrapped around her as she dripped into the beige carpet all apartments seemed to have. She looked... tired, she felt. Tara didn't know when she'd become the woman in the mirror, but she didn't really like it. "I'm going to keep growing my hair out," she said quietly, without so much as a Hey to get his attention.
"D'you think that'd be good?" She eyed it for another second, before she looked at him over her shoulder even as she moved to pull clean clothes out of the dresser.
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"I don't know if it'll be okay. I don't even know what the fuck we can endure. But I gotta have faith that you and I are still something good. We've been through a hell of a lot, babe."
And had probably been through so much more, shit he could only imagine and didn't want to. All the little things she'd let slip, about how the club was cut in half, didn't indicate a good future.
"I'm tryin' to be better Tara. Be a better man to you and for those boys. And that means I can't trap that shit with you if it needs to come out."
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"You're a good man. That's why I'm afraid." She swallowed thickly. "I told you- I told you about my hand, and... and it's already- I know you want to know why. I know you want to know what happened, what happened after, and I'm so scared, Jax. I'm scared it'll trap you or hurt you or... something."
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"I'm scared of that too, babe," he said honestly. It was near-paralyzing, that fear. "But this ain't Charming. People here are different. Clay ain't here. So it's not gonna play out the same. I gotta believe that for the both of us."
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"Jackson, it's never going to be the same, and that's good. You don't have to worry, baby." Her fingers slipped up, to smooth through his hair, her brows furrowed. "I'm just worried that the things I have to say will eat you up, that you'll worry about history repeating, but this place isn't Charming, and it's never going to be." She leaned up to gently kiss him for only a moment.
"I want to tell you what happened," she said softly, still settled in his lap because that was where she needed to be - both of them, protecting each other from the world while they had this conversation. "With my hand. What happened after." Not about the letters. Not about Piney. Probably not what Clay did to Gemma, either. But she could tell him about Oregon; about him being there when she lost this job. About him being their son's parent while she'd spent weeks staring at nothing because her dreams were gone - but in a better way, obviously.
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"Tell me. Tell me what you can." Whatever would keep it from eating slowly away at her.
"Tell me what I need to know to keep it from happening here."
There was no rewriting that past but this future was still changeable.
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But still, she told him things she hadn't before. "I had an interview in Oregon - you and me and the boys, we made it like... a little vacation," she said quietly. She didn't stop touching him as she told him, her hand smoothing against his neck, her fingers toying with his hair. "We stopped in a park for lunch, when all of that happened."
All of that - because she didn't want to say it again. She didn't need to. "You thought, at first, that it was because of the cartels, but I was in the hospital - You and Aleda and your mom took care of the boys. I couldn't do anything, Jax. I had... I had a lot of surgeries, to help fix the damage. That's why it's not just one scar." She paused. "You were there for me. You were there, even when I completely lost myself." She looked away, her brow furrowing.
"I totally checked out. Totally, and completely. I didn't care about you, or my job, or the kids, I just could think about my fucking hand, and how everything was over. And you-"
She looked back at him, her eyes finding his. "You pulled me back. You were the father that our boys needed, you made sure that they were loved and taken care of, and you put me back together, Jax." That was the important part, to her. But still... the rest did matter. "Your mom found Clay putting money back in their safe after they- uh. Botched the job." The last three words were said with her voice tight. "He- uhm." She actually stopped, then. "I had something he wanted, and I knew something-" She stopped again.
"That's it. Right now, that's it, okay?" She couldn't say more, couldn't talk about the rest without it becoming a flood of words, of deaths that just grew and grew. "You were there when I needed you."
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And then the van careened into his imagination and Jax went quiet again. If the scar on Tara's hand was hard to look at now, he could only imagine how scared and in pain she had been when it happened. Just imagining it made Jax hold her closer, try and fill the intervals with kisses and tiny physical reassurances.
"Cartels, huh?" Jax shook his head heavily. "Clay's bank account always held him more than any fucking sense. Stupid fucker."
Whatever Clay might have done for him before, it was all blown away in the face of what he'd fucking done to Tara.
"Guess we anchor each other huh?" It was the last puzzle piece, Jax realized. Why Tara wanted him to do the parenting. She'd stepped back and seen it and seen something in Jax that he'd never seen.
"I'll still be there, okay Tara? For you. For the boys. For anything or anyone else that comes along."
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She searched his eyes for the reassurance of what he was saying. "I know you'll be here. I know you'll always be here, I do. I just- I don't want to hurt you with the stuff I know. With the things that happened."
She's trying to be good, to him. With him. For him to not lay awake at night, wondering how the hell it got so messed up - but she was doing that, instead, which was just as bad.
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He leaned back and ran his thumb over her lower lip, knuckles against her jaw. "I wanna make you happy. Make our boys happy. That's what keeps the hurts from coming."
No Clay. No coke. None of the bullshit that Tara was telling him about. They were going to start fresh here. Do shit right.
"I want to feel you sleep next to me. See you smile when you wake up. I want to be part of that."
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About everything.
"I want that, too. I want our boys to be happy and safe, and you and me--" She leaned towards him, her forehead against his cheek as she closed her eyes, her hands on his neck. "When I left, it'd been months since we were like this." She's trying to tell him how bad it'd been. How alone she'd been - and he'd been, as well. It was the furthest and longest they'd ever been apart since he'd come home from Belfast.
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Or worse. What if he had become like Clay?
"I never wanna stop being like this Tara. We grow, we change, but we don't lose each other. That's what I want."
And maybe, someday, they could grow their family and buy a house. But first, they had to work on the now. And, as if it was a way of sealing that promise, he raised Tara's right hand to his mouth and kissed her fingers and palm.
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"I love you," she said lowly as he pressed his lips to her hand. "We'll talk. When these things happen, when they come up - we'll talk. I know you can't know it all, that it won't help you or me to say them, but... but if it comes up, we'll talk it out, I promise. I won't just... not tell you." It was important, to her. It was important that they stay honest. That they work together, and build a family.
"I will always be here for you," she said softly. "And I won't let it happen. Not again. I won't lose you."