i'm a dead man walkin' here

[drownedindreams]

Tara had to brush her teeth. That was the thought that drove her to the staff locker rooms, and it was while she was staring at herself in the mirror that she realised something.

She'd thrown up two days ago. Two days ago, when she'd finished sewing back together the Locos Lobos kid who'd been shot. She'd thrown up today.

Jax was still in surgery. Thankfully, a surgeon had been able to step in, but Tara had a hair-thin line on her own mental state. She'd stopped crying, but right now, right as she finished brushing her teeth, she spat in the sink and dropped the toothbrush with a clatter of plastic on porcelain. Shaking hands gripped the cold lip of the sink as she tried to breathe and fight the panic and (again) welling nausea. "No, no, no, please, God, this can't be happening." She murmured it to herself, not even realising that at some point, she'd lost the privacy she'd not even realised she'd needed.

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[drownedindreams]

Her eyes search Katie's as she takes a deep breath - and she's never had this. Never had someone who wasn't Jax to talk her through the bad times (and there'd been so many.) There's been Gemma a couple of times, but her advice was always tainted by the woman's preoccupation with Jax, and Tara's own mother... She died when Tara had been nine years old, and even before that she'd been a disciplinarian that ruled with an iron fist.

"I never stopped loving him," she says quietly. "I'll love him until the day I die. I.... I'm not the woman he left behind, Katie. I did things- he hated me, I think. Part of him, he hated me, because of what I did. I took our sons, and I can't keep hiding the things I did. If he lives- When he is better - it's killing me." She whispered the last three words.

"I can't have another baby, I can't-" When she and Jax had offhandedly discussed it, she'd found herself saying she couldn't, but what she thought - from her gut, what she thought was that she couldn't run with three children. She couldn't keep three children safe. "If I tell him - when I tell him, he's going to hate me, and he won't let me near my sons." Everything's come to a head; it's not just Jax's stabbing, it's not just her own crisises, it's not just the pregnancy scare; it's all of it, all together - it's cracked that foundation she'd just patched two days ago.

[toanend]

Katie shakes her head, giving Tara's hands a squeeze. "We won't let that happen," she says. She has no proof of it, no anchor for her decisiveness, but she means it all the same. There is no way in hell she's going to let children be kept from a fit and loving mother, not if she can help it, and she knows those boys love Tara. She doesn't know Jax, but she is certain that if he loves Tara half as much as she loves him, he won't even try, but if he does, she'll find a way to stop it. "He can't keep you from them. Legally, unless he can prove that you're harmful for them in some way, he can't do it."

She doesn't want to bring child protective services or anything like that into the equation if it can be helped, though. Tara has enough on her plate, and that would probably cause a rift that she clearly doesn't want. "You don't have to have another baby if you don't want to. And if that man loves you, he will love you no matter what you choose, no matter what you did. We forgive each other. That's part of love."

[drownedindreams]

"It's so hard," she says in a rush, looking over at Katie. "He's so young. He's so young, Katie, and it hasn't hurt him yet. The shit that hit me? That made me like this? He has none of it, and I look at him, and I see- He's so good for our boys, and all I can think is how much the man I married hated me."

She shook her head. "And now he's gotten stabbed, and it's just like it was before. Before, back home. I'm- I'm so scared that when he finds out - that it's going to hurt him, that it's going to make him more like the man I married. More like the Jax who I left behind, and-" Tara shook her head. "I can't lose him. I don't know what to do."

She didn't expect Katie to have the answers, but any sort of advice.... it would be a far sight better than what she'd had before.

[toanend]

Katie looks down at their hands, heart aching for her friend, and prays for the words to convey what she feels to be true. It's a thought that's given her comfort over the last few years, but not one she's ever quite put into coherent words. Instead, she's let the truth of it sit like a warm weight in her heart, unspoken, understood.

"People change," she says slowly. "You change. He changes. You either... learn to do it together or you don't. At home, you couldn't. But if you're open with him, Tara, if you're honest and he's honest, too, then... then maybe you can." She shakes her head, an old hurt in her eyes. Things have been so good lately, so much better than they've been since she was a very little girl, before David, before her father died. Russell is a good man. He does what he can to make the ache dissipate, but deep down, she knows it'll never fully go away and some part of the light inside her will never come back. "David changed. My husband. He didn't tell me anything. He just shut me out. I don't think we ever could have fixed it anyway, not the way he was, but I... it doesn't have to be that for you."

[drownedindreams]

Tara's looking over at Katie, and she's never had this before. She's never had support like this, and to have someone even talking to to her, so she's not alone and she can be honest and not trying to frame everything in a way that's still lying and hiding... It's what's holding her together, and Katie's made herself a life-long ally.

She nods as Katie speaks, forcing herself to breathe slowly as she tries to really, really listen.

Seeing that hurt, Tara squeezes Katie's hands and it's the two of them against the past. "Jax... he did... too. Shut me out, not fixable the way he was, and the way... our situation was. I'm sorry that you lived through that." She means it, deeply, and she feels like someone finally understands the gravity of what happened. "He became a monster," she said quietly. "The club made him a monster, and it changed him. You're right. And if I'm honest with what happened... with what changed me..." She's afraid both that he'll hate her, and she'll hurt him, but... "Then maybe we can be okay?"

[toanend]

Katie nods, emphatic, and deep down she knows this is what she's been put in the world for, to help others. Nothing feels as good or right, and she could never let a friend wade through this alone. No one should ever have to, and if her experience can help Tara, then that pain becomes worth something. It makes a difference, makes the hurt seem less in vain.

"The club isn't here," she says. "If he knows what you're afraid of... you can both work on it together. David... I think he was always a monster. He just hid it." It was too late when she realized it, and she loved him too much, so much she couldn't admit what she was saying, what was happening to him, what he was doing to her. "But you know Jax. You know that doesn't have to be him. And it doesn't have to be you. You can learn from what happened. You have a chance to change it."

[drownedindreams]

Tara's nodding too because Katie's managed to make this real - make it possible. Make it possible that if Jax makes it through this, that they would be okay. That, at least, they could be okay. That she's got to be honest. She's got to talk to him, and tell him because if she's not honest....

"Some people are like that," Tara says quietly. "Some people are, and it's good that you know that. That you got out." She means it, even as she's holding Katie's hand and she feels like she both understands and never can quite understand. "Jax... he became that way, but it wasn't- it was like he was pulled under." She said it quietly. "So... I can help him stop that from happening. We can help stop it from happening, and he can... help me. From where it pulled me under, too." She's saying it like it's the thing that's giving her hope.

Like if she gets through this, if she makes it to the other side.... things may be better- and saying it helps solidify it.

"I don't know what I'd have done if you hadn't come in," she said lowly, honestly. "I can't even tell you how much I owe you." She's still not great - of course she's not, Jax is in surgery and she's been up for twenty-odd hours and she's had a hell of a few days, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel, instead of falling down a well.

[toanend]

Katie shakes her head. "I'm just glad you don't have to be alone with this," she says. Too much of her life, she had to face the darkest moments alone. As a child, at least, when she lost her father, she had her family around her. When things got difficult with David, though, she turned inward. Every time she got the strength to complain to her friends about the way he treated her, it would falter again when he came home to her. She let herself say it was nothing, that they would work it out, too many times. But that's just taught her to see a little more clearly, or so she hopes. Some things can't be saved, but others can.

"And it helps me, too," she adds after a moment. "I never talk about him to anyone. But at least it feels like it wasn't a complete waste if I can help my friends." She'll take what she learned the hard way and help others. It feels like the best way to avenge what was done to her: to reclaim her own life and help others do the same.

[drownedindreams]

"You have no idea how alone I've been." She looks over at Katie, and Tara's smile is sort of... strained, and painful. "At home, I was- I didn't have anyone," she said finally. Quietly. "No one. And not just that thing where you think you're alone, but it's because you haven't asked, I was alone. So... So thank you. Thank you, more than I can say."

She's still holding Katie's hands, and she squeezes them a second time. She needs to show her, somehow, just how grateful she is. How much it means.

That's why when Katie says it helps her too, Tara nods - agreeing, obviously, because yeah. Yeah, she gets that as well. "It makes you stronger. I know it doesn't seem like that sometimes, but... make sure you remember it. I know- God, I know I have problems with that." She feels like she's failing on actually trying to communicate and instead there's this waterfall of words, but she forces herself to pull in a breath, then breathe out slowly as she finally lets herself let go of Katie's hands.

"God, I can't even believe this is happening."

[toanend]

The reminder is a potent one, badly needed. Katie knows things are better now, that she's happier than she's been in a long, long time. When she looks back, though, it's with regret, trepidation, guilt, shame. It's hard to see what she lived through and not think she was at least partially responsible for the way David treated her. It's hard to think about how he hurt her and know she still loves him a little, that she always will, that it was love that kept her with him all those years. She never really thinks of her life here as one of strength, of what she did as surviving. She just knows she wasn't going to let him own her anymore. With what Tara says, though, she feels it for a moment, and it's like falling, weightless and stunned, but knowing the landing will be soft.

"I wish it weren't," she says. "I'm so sorry this is happening. I — so what actually happened? You said he got in trouble again, like back home. Was this — did someone attack him?"